is this weird?

[Guts]

At this moment I need to get this off of my mind/chest.

I never grewup in a family that showed these emotions I feel and I never figured out how to express them I guess.My dad was an acholoic (yea I spelt it wrong) and my mom has always been a sad person that prefers to make people feel like sh** to make herself feel good and better then everyone.My whole life all I ever wanted was to show love and to feel love the way I figured it would be.I have never felt this way for anyone like I do for this girl I have been talking about and I dont know how to show it and its really bugging me now cus I feel I will never be able to show these feelings right.I may have never seen real love my whole life but I know what it is and I want it so bad!I never wanted to express it or feel it until I saw this girl!I have hated being alive for most of my life and I use to pray that I wouldn't wakeup for such along time and I feel these feelings and I don't know what to do!Because I haven't ever seen it I don't know what to do!I never cared about love or having it becuase of the way I grewup with my parents always fighting and hating each other and I guess I truly dont understand it.I mean I do and I know what I "want" but it doesn't mean everyone or the girl I like wants it so I just dont know.............I hate it!

Wow it felt really good saying all that crap and getting it out.I think sometimes I just really want to talk to someone you know cus its not good having these feelings all bottled up.But I feel so good now that I just threw that out my mind.........sorry for putting it here though.